Lesbihonest: Women are So Much Easier to Love
or 10 Reasons Men are the Worst
I sometimes wish I could pull a Glennon Doyle and wake up a lesbian one day. Have my shocking “there she is” moment when some magical woman who defies sexual orientation walks into a room. So far, I’m a straight up vanilla hetero. Besides occasionally daydreaming about Sofia Vergara (who hasn’t?), I’ve only had eyes for dudes. But as I get older and wiser, men are growing increasingly irritating to me so I thought I’d be very mature and write about all the reasons they’re the worst.
10 Reasons Men are the Worst
They don’t appear to know about rape and murder. Women are basically in pure fight or flight any time we have to walk through a parking lot, walk in a stairwell, walk on a hiking trail, walk at night, walk in the early morning—let’s just sum this up and say walk anywhere besides directly to our mailbox at high noon. We have to be on high alert anytime we get in a cab, check into a hotel, get on an elevator, meet a cute guy at a bar who may be our future husband or a serial killer, or terror of all terrors, IF OUR DOORBELL RINGS! Just writing that makes my cortisol levels spike. I don’t understand the monsters who ring doorbells. It’s clearly a dude who is completely oblivious to the mental anguish he has created with the push of his unsympathetic finger. DO I OPEN THE DOOR? DO I IGNORE IT? WHAT IF HE KNOWS I’M HERE? DO I LOOK THROUGH THE PEEPHOLE? BUT THEN WHAT IF HE HEARS ME BREATHING? WHAT IF IT’S A GIRL SCOUT SELLING COOKIES? I REALLY DO LIKE TAGALONGS. WHAT IF IT’S LIKE JUDE LAW IN THE HOLIDAY?? THAT WOULD BE SO AMAZING ALTHOUGH MY FRIEND ANNOYINGLY LECTURED ME THAT THE WHOLE MOVIE PREMISE IS FLAWED BECAUSE THE JUDE LAW CHARACTER COULD HAVE JUST AS EASILY BEEN A PSYCHOPATH AND CAMERON DIAZ WAS REALLY STUPID TO OPEN THE DOOR TO A STRANGER EVEN IF HE WAS HANDSOME BECAUSE I THINK TED BUNDY WAS HANDSOME TOO. OMG HE RANG THE DOORBELL AGAIN!!! SHOULD I HIDE OR CALL THE POLICE?? It’s like they’ve never read that one off-brand horrible story each week in People Magazine.
They have no idea that the movie Taken is based on a real thing. A dude goes on a business trip and gets an all-expense paid vacation. I go on a business trip and feel like I am about to be trafficked every second TSA is not looking directly at me. I once was sitting in the airport enjoying a layover dinner at Chili’s, when a man approached me and asked if he could take my picture. This dude, maybe in his upper 40s (with leg tattoos, no judgment) further explains, “You look just like my wife! Can I take your picture?” I mean, how do men not realize that approaching a woman traveling alone and asking to take her picture is super sketchy? Of course I want to say NO, YOU WEIRDO, GET AWAY FROM ME BEFORE I TAZE YOU, but because I’m an unstoppably kind and pleasing woman, I awkwardly say something like, “ummm I guess it’s kind of weird but I mean I guess I can’t stop you I guess” and then half smile but also avert my eyes to search for the nearest escape route. He snaps a pic and I imagine that a photo of me is immediately uploaded to some dark web. A few minutes later, he comes back and shows me a picture of him and his wife, possibly having some awareness that he was coming across as a total creeper. But yeah, dude, I’m pretty sure that if you’re lead-gen for a terrifying plot against women, you’re capable of having a photo at the ready of you with some woman with dark, curly hair.
They stop eating a second scoop of ice cream and lose 30 pounds, while women try a new fad diet for the 170th time, count calories, eliminate favorite foods, fast, torture ourselves with scales and tape measures, shrink wrap ourselves with Saran Wrap (never personally, but apparently it’s a thing), all to lose maybe 2.3 pounds (yes, we count the decimals), and that’s just plain irritating. I mean, did you read the first two points on this list?? It’s no wonder our stressed bodies are a little rounder.
Armrest entitlement. Each time I’m relegated to a middle seat on an airplane (of course my princess daughter gets the good seat, be it window or aisle), I end up sitting next to a dude. Without fail, dude always claims the armrest because his masculine elbows and forearms are clearly more worthy of the throne than mine. And bro never rides elbows-in, nah, he’s comfortably chilling with elbows out like he’s eating Cheetos and watching football on a big leather Lazy Boy. So I have to sit for 2 hours and 32 minutes while this stranger’s elbow intimately presses into my soft flesh somewhere between my waist and side boob. He also splays his legs open so his knee falls halfway over into my minuscule legroom for the entirety of the flight so that I have to spoon my daughter if I don’t want to rub knees with this monkeypox neanderthal. Dude, I know I haven’t seen it, but I guarantee your junk doesn’t need that much room. My lady bits would like to breathe as well but you don’t see me straddling past my 15 inches of confined space that cost me $832 because I’m a woman and women are far too considerate to force unsolicited physical touch or encroach on another’s $24 additional legroom-my-ass seat upgrade.
If I say one word at work that could possibly be perceived as the teeniest bit dominant or aggressive, I’m written up to HR. If I were a man, I’d be a fearless leader, I’d be an alpha type. When everyone believes you, what’s that like? And every other lyric from Taylor Swift’s “The Man.”
Brotivation. I was at the pool once and some Empowerment Dad was trying to save the day by convincing my daughter to put on swimmies. While I initially appreciated his effort to get her to stop clinging to my body like a sloth baby, my appreciation quickly soured when this complete stranger started saying to her, “Do you want to feel strong? Do you want to feel powerful? Do you want to be an independent woman?” Okay. Back. The. Fuck. Up. First, my daughter was four and will swim whenever she damn well feels like it. Second, you are a dude. Girl has a single mother. Do you really think she needs you to push her to be an “independent woman?” Of course you do, because you’re a dude. I’m sure you thought your brotivational speech was sooo awesome. You’re clearly a dude who fancies himself a feminist but also probably votes for the government to have control over my daughter’s body. You can’t understand this lane, buddy, so stay in yours. Go chop some wood or do aggressive push ups somewhere and take your cheap ass pink floaties with you. When your daughter realizes that you’re a Tony Robbins wannabe and wants to understand what it’s like to be a girl in the real world, send her ass over to my house.
I hate to throw in a gimme but did I tell you about the time that I fell into the toilet because the seat was up? If bare-bottom-on-toilet-water contact doesn’t make you contemplate lesbianism, nothing will.
Their situational awareness sucks. I was on a flight where my daughter sat in the aisle seat (I love you girl, but seriously, can we at least take some turns with the middle?) happily watching The Little Mermaid (OG) for the 920th time. I glanced across the aisle and my attention was caught by the glowing tablet screen of some man streaming Squid Game. Who in their right mind thinks it's appropriate to watch a highly disturbing, horrifically violent show on an airplane where no one can avoid seeing your screen—including children who think Ursula the Sea Witch is as scary as it gets? I spent the whole flight silently screaming at this monster, praying that my tender, innocent 4-year-old wouldn’t glance up and immediately start having night terrors about decapitations and asking mommy incessantly about how organ harvesting works. I wanted to say something harmless like, “excuse me, sir, kids can see your screen, you fucking moron.” But I didn’t because what if he wasn’t a moron with zero situational awareness and instead a violent serial killer? (See #1). Surely he was at least a former marine whose sensitivity chip was surgically extracted and would have no problem snapping my neck in a millisecond for being such an overprotective, peace spouting Nancy who knows jack shit about real world horrors. So I did what most people do—kept my mouth shut and made up an entire backstory on this dude which I then judged harshly. The real shocker? This man HAD A KID! There, in the seat next to him, was his son. I’m sure little Simon calls his dad “sir” and gets punched if he cries. But don’t you worry. He’s toughening up, sitting there on the plane, playing a video game even more violent than Squid Game. I can’t wait to see the man he grows up to be!
Dads can change one diaper and get a Dad of the Year Award. They can fix a bike and it’s like OMG THIS AMAZING MALE SPECIMEN IS THE GREATEST DAD ON PLANET EARTH! Never mind that moms do 95% of the work and have to fill our own stockings on Christmas, HE THOUGHT TO PACK GOLDFISH FOR THE BEACH—SOMEBODY CALL OPRAH!!!
They vehemently fight back tears while watching a sad movie. Dude, I get it. This shit is sad. This old man lost his unborn child and his wife and feels like he failed her and is about to go fly away in his house via balloon power. JUST LET IT OUT. I’m physically uncomfortable watching you wrestle with your tears as I imagine you repeatedly slapping yourself across the face in high school while looking in a mirror shouting, “real boys don’t cry!” It’s 2023. We cool with feelings. When you suppress your emotions, I don’t think you’re more of a man. If you don’t shed a tear while watching Up, I worry that you may be a handsome, sophisticated AI serial killing robot (See #1).
Of course, men aren’t all that bad. They look so damn sexy in joggers and a t-shirt and we can do deliciously wild things together like WALK AT DUSK. And in an instant, my list goes out the window and I’m a goner again.
P.S. There’s a real fine line with humor and I was worried this may come across like I’m an angry man-hater. Luckily, Chat GPT says I’m in the clear. She’s clearly a woman.
“The tone or sentiment of this essay is humorous and satirical. The author adopts a sarcastic and lighthearted tone throughout the essay while expressing frustration and annoyance with men. The essay uses exaggerated and comical examples to highlight the author's points, employing humor to address serious issues such as personal safety, gender stereotypes, and societal expectations.” - Chat GPT